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One of the hardest things things in my practice is that I am “lazy.”

Now, there’s a reason I put that in quotation marks. See, I’m not one of those people who really does physical activity. I don’t really enjoy it, there’s other things I’d rather be doing, so on and so forth. Most of my activity happens in my brain, and I’m perfectly happy to sit in a chair pretty much all day, and read, think, listen to music, and so forth. So while I am physically “lazy,” in reality I’m generally pretty busy intellectually.

That’s one of the reasons I tend to do more “research” in my craft than I do traditional “work.” It’s also why I tend to focus on what some would consider “high” magics rather than “low” magics. Beyond the fact that currently I have trouble sensing and working with spirits, I started in Alchemy. For me, much of my craft is based on that. There’s no real calling on spirits and things like that. Everything works more like a machine, mainly impersonal forces that can be manipulated by the will. It’s how I tend to work. My runic divination work on a mechanical level. I often will put energy into them before a casting, or for a while I carried them everywhere on my person. Where some might “work” with the spirit in each rune, I’ll admit I don’t.

As an Asatruar, there is the dealing with spirits, but as I said I don’t do much with that. I can’t tell if there’s an Alf or a Wight or anything else around all that well. Living in the middle of a city, even one with as much nature in it as mine does, causes me to wonder just what is around. And I get leery of spirits. Maybe it’s part of my growing up, where I was raised to believe it was evil. Then again, I think of myself as “evil” (more on that another time) so that really isn’t much of a roadblock. Maybe it’s just reading too much about how such spirits like to play tricks unless treated just right. It’s one thing to deal with the spirits of say Ireland or Norway or anywhere else, because you know what’s there and how to deal with them. Here in America, or even Canada, you’re dealing with a melting pot of Native American spirits, European spirits, and increasingly, African, Asian, and South American spirits.

It’s hard enough for me to deal with humans, dealing with spirits frankly is kinda scary. Culturally/mentally I’m something of a cross between an “evil” sorcerer and a 7th century Norseman. I miss the “normal” things with people, mostly because I was raised in a sheltered home with not a lot of contact with the outside. And when I did get contact, I ended up sticking to the more geeky side of the internet reading, rather than say watching TV and so on. Probably having something like ADD doesn’t really help, especially if you’re a bit oblivious in life.

Now, I do try to work with those Gods I’m close too. That said, it’s more the occasional offering and the like. I’m not very religious. Closest I’ve really come is the Yule thing I did this year, giving offerings every day. I’ve been planning to set an alter up soon, but that’s still a future thing. And while I won’t say I’m having a crisis of faith…lately I haven’t felt quite the ardor I did a few weeks ago. Perhaps it’s just my disillusionment that’s caused me to review, reaffirm, and start anew.

But who knows what 2012 brings. 2011 had a lot of changes in it, and I’m sure this year will not be much different. Some say the world ends. Who knows the forms such will take. They say that the end is also a beginning.

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