So, this post was inspired by a talk I had with my lover. She apparently doesn’t like the fact that I often say intolerant things, generally towards Monotheism. She even said I tended to be an intolerant ass-hat. I’m not going to say what all she said. But this is my thoughts about it.
I wish to start off by saying I recognize the values and merits of pretty much anyone out there, regardless of race, gender, creed, or what have you. I know I don’t talk about other paths much, but I’ve been at this thing for like a month and a half. Give me time. It will come up.
I may say that my path is the right one for me, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right one for everyone. Nor do I think everyone should follow my path. There’s so many out there, why not let people explore them all?
Yes, I have issues with Monotheism, or pretty much anyone who is dogmatic and intolerant about stuff. Before I blogged here, I gave some Pagans a lot of guff about being dogmatic. Just happens I’ve given others some guff here on occasion.
But that’s not the heart of this post.
The heart of this post is she told me I’m doing the wrong thing with my “intolerance”. That two wrongs don’t make a right, don’t solve the problem, aren’t the way to go. That I’m wrong in my views and actions.
Maybe I am wrong.
I’m willing to admit the possibility. I never really figured myself to be any more “right” than anyone out there. Hel, a couple times I’ve joked/talked here about being “evil.” Because on some base level, I realize, that’s probably what I am.
Maybe I do the wrong thing, for the wrong reason, at the wrong time, in the wrong place.
I’m not Harry Dresden. I’m not Spiderman, or Thor, or Power Girl, or Corran Horn, or anyone, really. I’m not the hero of the story, the savior of the day, or the guy who rides off into the sunset with the girl and the glory. I’m not any of these things.
I’m not the good guy, even though growing up I wanted so very much to be.
So why do I do what I do, even if it is wrong? Why do I speak with anger towards monotheism, or sometimes even atheism? Why do I talk with pride about my Norse heritage and gods? Why do I do the wrong thing?
That’s a question with an easy answer that really isn’t easy.
Because I believe that sometimes, it’s better to do the wrong thing, than it is to do nothing. Because sometimes the right person isn’t there. They aren’t there to do the right thing. All that’s left is the bullies, the monsters, the intolerant, and they keep grinding away at those they can, forcing their way upon everyone else.
I’m not the right person.
I’m not a hero.
But sometimes, I am there. And when I am there, because I’ve been the person who didn’t have a hero in his time of need, because the only thing that kept me from being crushed under was my will and my “hate” and my determination not to give up. It was the knowledge that there were other options, other ways, other paths, that I drew strength from, like my Norse ancestry.
I didn’t get a hero. And there wasn’t anyone to stand up and do the wrong thing. So I did it. I did the wrong thing, at the wrong time. I did it for the wrong reasons.
But there wasn’t anyone else. There were no right ways to act. Not and stay who I was, stay true to what I was becoming.
There’s a reason I am close to Hel. Why my role models are guys like Itachi, Kisame, Sesshoumaru, Kenpachi, Darth Bane, and others like them. Because I was told I was wrong, that those who attacked me were the ones in the right, and that was that. I accepted that. I decided that was fine.
Because sometimes you don’t get to be the hero.
Sometimes you get to be the villain.
But sometimes, what you need is the “villain.”
Sometimes there hero isn’t there. He doesn’t show up in time. He isn’t there to do the right thing. Because the Gods do choose people to do things, the right things. But sometimes they aren’t where you need them.
And then where are you left?
And…I don’t like that. I don’t like leaving people with nothing. I may be wrong, so insanely wrong that I’m as far away from right as you can get. But I can at least say I’m not nothing. I may not be something. I may not be someone. I may be the wrong thing. But…I would have been happy to have the wrong person step in, do the wrong thing, all just to try and help me. Even if it came out wrong.
I didn’t get chosen by the Gods. Nobody elected me to do what I do. Most probably don’t want me. But I didn’t see anyone else. People like to talk about how no body does anything, they call it the bystander effect. I just stopped being a bystander.
I’ve lost a lot of friends. I’ve probably made a number of enemies out there. All for doing the wrong thing. It doesn’t matter though. Because if I live my entire life in battle, doing the wrong thing for the wrong reasons, and I die, and go to Hel, and she says to me that I made one person’s life better for doing the wrong thing, that in their darkest moments I was the black beast of nightmares that drove away the thing that was hurting them….it would all be worth it.
I’m not Harry Dresden. I wish I was. Sometimes I wish to all the Gods I was. But I’m not. I never will be.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t fight. It doesn’t mean I can’t stand up to all the things I see trying to crush people and tell them that No More! No more shall they go unchecked, unchallenged! Because I am here, the wrong person, for the wrong reasons, doing the wrong things! And if only for a moment, a brief, unheroic moment, full of hate and pain and everything else, I will do what I can for someone else! I can be the wrong person that helps them, rather than leaving them to face their foe alone because I’m not the right person doing the right thing!
I may be an intolerant ass-hat. I may be wrong. I may be a horrible, horrible person.
But that’s okay. It’s who I am. I became who I am for a reason. So that no one else would have to. I may make it worse for the right person to do the right thing at the right time. I might even end up being the one the right person has to stop.
But it’s worth it, if it means that one person doesn’t have to deal with what I dealt with, and they don’t have to become like me.
That is my path. That is why I am what I am, why I seek power, and use it, and say what I say. Why I believe what I believe, and do what I do. Because I’ve seen this world tear down so, so many heroes. I’ve seen the world without heroes. I’ve been one of those who had to live without one. And if I have to be a villain in order to do the wrong thing, in the hopes of helping one person, I live it without regrets. Call it bullshit if you want, but it is my way.