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With Christiantiy, you live a good life and then you die, forgiven by Jesus to go to heaven to spend eternity with the angels. Which sounds wonderful when angels look like this:

from google

Less so when you realize most angels look like this…or worse:

also from google

Suddenly, Eternity doesn’t look so hot. But hey, there’s always Islam, where if you die killing the infidel you can get seventy-two virgins!

again, google

Of course, the quality, nature, and state of said virgins is never fully explained. No idea what quality control peramiters there are on these virgins. No word on if they re-virginize after de-virgining. Or if you are able (much less willing) to commit the act of said virgin taking. Not to mention it’s 72 virgins. With no idea of what to do.

Except maybe laugh at your penis.

On the other hand, We here at Asatru, World’s Greatest Religion* have a solution for you! We call them Valkyries:

Great and beautiful, they ride across the fields of battle on horse, wolf, and raven! They take the bravest and most skilled of fighters to Valhalla and Folkvang to feast and fight and party. No blushing virgins these, they are goddesses of death and sex, answering to Odin the God of Frenzy and Freya the Goddess of Battle and Desire!

And they look like this!

more google

yes, still google. i wish though

But don’t worry ladies, we’re not leaving you out of this special offer. If you fall epically in battle, you too can be chosen not just as one of the warriors of Valhalla and Folkvang, but you could even become a Valkyrie yourself! That’s right, ladies, not only would you have access to some of the hottest, most virile men in all the universe, you get to chose who joins their ranks while riding an epic mount and owning magical armor! How’s that for Girl Power! And that’s in comparison to spending forever with a bunch of wheels with eyes, or being turned into a virgin just for some dude because he killed the unbeliever (assuming that Islamic heavenly virgins are not artificially produced or drawn only from those women {or men} who die as virgins)?

This message of Truth brought to you by Asatru: World’s Greatest Religion*


*Warning: Asatru may or may not be the world’s greatest religion. Your mileage may vary with Asatru and other heathen religions. Asatru does not promise you salvation from your sins or an easy way out for past wrongs you have done to people. Asatru is a religion with homework. Those allergic to reading or thinking for themselves may find they have difficulty with Asatru. Do not take Asatru if you are a religious zealot, as you might find the multiplicity of opinions might cause headaches, nausea, open-mindedness, and an intolerance for religious stupidity and supremacy from monotheistic religions.