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Hey Kids, Asatru, World’s Greatest Religion* is back again with more special offers!
Tired of your parents telling you that you can’t enjoy the fun things in life because they’re immoral and “God Forbids” them? Things like sex, drugs, wild music, tattoos, and so on?
Do you know how many Gods and Goddesses of Sex we have in Asatru? More than in that Abrahamic pantheon, that’s for sure. We’ve got Thor, his wife Sif, Frigga, wife of Odin, Freya, her brother Freyr, and more! And we don’t demand you engage in only missionary sex or sex for procreation! You can have sex as a religious rite!
That’s right kids, for Asatru, World’s Greatest Religion, you can stay in bed screaming “oh gods!” all day and as long as you dedicated some of it to the gods, as well as yourselves, you’ve basically done the same thing as a Christian or Muslim or Jew praying all day long in a temple/church/mosque! And you get to have sex! Going down on your knees to worship suddenly is not holy, it can be fun!
And you can make it as kinky as you want! The Gods and Goddesses don’t care if you like your sex life sweet, sweet vanilla, kinky kinky chocolate, or rocky road with gummy bears, sprinkles, pickles, and Tabasco sauce! You get to chose how it is and it’s not a sin! And men and women get equal rights in the sex, no more of this gender dominated crap societies give you where men are better than women or women are better than men, the sexual bodies of both genders are equally holy and beautiful! No need for shame and modesty, you’re not just beautiful the way you are, you are a work of divine art, so show it off with pride!**
And what about drugs you ask? It’s a okay, as long as you’re responsible and don’t hurt anyone with it. Our ancestors and gods used all kinds of drugs, from simple and holy mead to mushrooms that pushed us to the heights of human power in the Berserker rage! So things like weed, tobacco, etc, we don’t care! Enjoy to your heart’s content, just remember that some of them have nasty side effects that can hurt you with improper use!
And what about music? Well, we practically invented the most bad ass forms of music with Rock, Metal, Viking Metal, Power Metal, and more! But we’ve also got our hands in country, bluegrass, and folk musics! And not only is our music religious, it’s good! Unlike the Christian attempts to make rock music, which pretty much universally blows (we do recognize the exception of Skilet, but only because a lot of their songs work great for us and they have talent). Or Islam, which bans music of all kinds in some locations!
Tattoos and brands are okay too! We don’t care if you mark yourself up. In fact, our ancestors did it too, and came up with some crazy artwork, so if you want it, and it means something to you, get it and wear it with pride!
With Awesome like this, how can you resist! Sign up today! And join the most Epic Religion in the World!
*Warning: Asatru may or may not be the world’s greatest religion. Your mileage may vary with Asatru and other heathen religions. Asatru does not promise you salvation from your sins or an easy way out for past wrongs you have done to people. Asatru is a religion with homework. Those allergic to reading or thinking for themselves may find they have difficulty with Asatru. Do not take Asatru if you are a religious zealot, as you might find the multiplicity of opinions might cause headaches, nausea, open-mindedness, and an intolerance for religious stupidity and supremacy from monotheistic religions.
** Asatru, World’s Greatest Religion is not responsible for the improper use of this freedom from modesty. Mental scaring may result from improper use. Please be considerate of your fellow man.