Hey kids, tired of religion getting you down? Tired of being told you’re gonna suffer for eternity unless you sell your soul to a nameless, faceless God who sits high above you and tells you what not to do, taking all the fun out of life? Tired of feeling like you have to “hate the infidel” in order to get a good spot in the afterlife? Or just tired of all those Atheists telling you “there’s nothing out there?”
Then have we got a deal for you!
It’s called Asatru, the World’s Greatest Religion!*
It’s the most bad ass religion ever! Not only is it older than Christianity and Islam, it comes from the one of the most bad ass people on the planet, the Vikings! No more feeling small and insignificant in the face of a nameless, faceless god, the sight of which will drive you mad or kill you! Our Gods and Goddesses are big, but you get to see their faces and know their names! With such heavy hitters as Thor, God of Thunder, Freya, Goddess of Beauty and Battle, Odin, God of Wisdom and Rage, and many more!
That’s right people, Gods and Goddesses, no sexism in our Divine Employment! We’ve got Gods, we’ve got Goddesses, we even have transgendered shape shifters! We’ve got Gods and Goddess for every occasion! Weddings, funerals, school projects and tests, love making both sensual and kinky, and so much more! And as an extra bonus, no more getting screwed over by the only game in town, if you get one god or goddess angry with you, can go to one of the others and ask them to help you fix the problem!
And we have more good news! Unlike Christianity and Islam, nothing bad happens to you if you don’t sign up! That’s right, we don’t automatically send you to an eternity of torment just because you don’t follow us! Try getting a deal like that out of them!
But if you do sign up, we have some great deals for you! First off this religion is all about family, even the gods are Family! Not only that, you get a religion based on honor and integrity that not only works, you wanna live by! No more of this psychopathic “i only need God’s forgiveness” bs! No, if someone does you wrong, they either have to make it up to you, or you get to teach them what happens when you’re bad to your fellow man. And if you do something wrong, you have to make it up to them! No more third party escape routes, it’s between you!
And there’s no such thing as sin! That’s right! Actioned are judged on if they’re honorable or dishonorable, but all those “sins” like non-marital sex, drugs, rock and roll, birth-control, and so on aren’t illegal or immoral in Asatru! As long as you’re keeping your word and not hurting your fellows, it’s all good! It’s about respect, not “morality.” As long as you’re willing to face what your fellow men and Gods do in response to your actions, you’re good to go!
And when it comes to Afterlives, we have four outcomes! The wicked are fed to the dread beast Nidhoggr, who devours them for all time! No more finding those who have done terrible deeds in your afterlife simply because they “Accepted Jesus into their hearts!” For those who die of old age, sickness, injury, or in a state of mild dishonor, we have Helheim, a land of fields and fjords, where kin live together in harmony. Lastly, we have the Halls of Valhalla and Folkvang, where Odin and Freya take those who die in battle and give them a paradise of training, feasting, and frivolity till the end of time!
So what are you waiting for, sign up today!
* Asatru may or may not be the world’s greatest religion. Your mileage may vary with Asatru and other heathen religions. Asatru does not promise you salvation from your sins or an easy way out for past wrongs you have done to people. Asatru is a religion with homework. Those allergic to reading or thinking for themselves may find they have difficulty with Asatru. Do not take Asatru if you are a religious zealot, as you might find the multiplicity of opinions might cause headaches, nausea, open-mindedness, and an intolerance for religious stupidity and supremacy from monotheistic religions.
Hey Kids, more great news! Asatru, World’s Greatest Religion now has an audio recording!