This shit never ends, does it. Todd Nickerson’s “I’m a Pedophile, Not a Monster,” Part 3.

Getting Schooled:

Things went along OK until I was two years away from graduating college.  I began to smoke pot, a drug I’d experimented with after high school but didn’t much care for then.  I didn’t like it the second time around either; it made me anxious more often than not.  But I did it anyway, largely because many people I respected smoked it, and I wanted to be more like them.  I was trying desperately to reshape my identity before I was thrown out into the real world.  I’d even begun working out, lifting weights and exercising to get in better shape.  On the outside I might’ve seemed pretty normal, but on the inside I was screaming in terror at the prospect of having to “grow up” and be “normal”—which to me meant getting a real job, finding a girlfriend, eventually getting married and raising a family.  Oh, I wanted to be normal, believe me, yet I knew myself well enough to know I wouldn’t be able to carry that charade off for long, and every fiber of my being resisted the forced transformation.

Not much to say here, except we all hate to grow up. Also, did you have to blame the weed man? I’m no user of mary jane, but I don’t think it needs to be tarnished by association here…

After graduation I fell into the deepest pit of despair imaginable, one that lasted several years, and I’ve only just begun to pull myself out of it.  You can’t experience that much blind terror and pain for that long without being seriously impacted by it.  I still worked out every other day, so I was hurting constantly, since depression saps your brain of the feel-good chemicals that helps to counteract pain; but I felt something, and that was better than the emotional numbness that had overtaken me.  Thus, my project to remake myself into a regular person a complete failure, I retreated inward like a kicked dog, often spending days on end in my bedroom.  At the nadir of my depression I was contemplating suicide daily; some days I could think of little else.  I found some relief in opiates, which I had to obtain illegally because doctors won’t prescribe them for depression and anxiety.  The occasional hydrocodone gave me a moment of respite from the agony I was going through.  I’d tried antidepressants, but they were a joke.  

As someone who has dealt with really bad suicidal depression, I can sort of sympathize here. On the other hand, given who we’re talking about, I find my self slightly wishing he’d given in and gotten fed to Nidhoggr. I’m probably being petty for having to sit through this.

In the midst of that dark era in my life, I discovered an unhealthy pedophile forum.  Nothing illegal was happening there, but many of its most influential members were pro-contacters, meaning they believed that sex with children was theoretically OK and supported the elimination of age of consent laws.  That forum still exists and I won’t name it here, but suffice it to say, I found myself taking up the same pro-contacter chants, if only to feel like I belonged somewhere.  At the time it was all that was available in terms of an actual pedophile community, and I had nothing left to lose by joining the cause, misguided though it was, and even decided to out myself on that forum.  Over the ensuing years, though, I was often at odds with the pro-contacters and flitted in and out of their clique; I wanted desperately to be friends with people who shared my sexual orientation, even if they held crazy beliefs, but I could never quite reconcile with their viewpoint.  

Funny how people often consider a belief they held as misguided as soon as they find another one they think is more acceptable. Still, a birth of pedo-rights movement. And a lot of Pedos who think it is good to be with the objects of their desires. I also like how Todd isn’t giving up this place.

I mean, sure, its influential members are encouraging other pedoes to go out and molest children, but that’s no reason to let people know where it is so they can do something about it. Todd objects to their practices, but he still defends them. Now sure, this could be a “I disagree with you sir, but I will defend to the death your right to say it” thing, but I have the feeling it goes beyond that. I mean, he did agree with them, at least at one point. And it sounds like the reason he left was interpersonal issues, not a disagreement on practices.

Not long after I self-outed, a group of web vigilantes called Perverted Justice showed up.  You’ve probably heard of them; they’re the people behind the now-defunct TV show “To Catch a Predator.”  I was no predator, but that mattered not one iota to these guys; they lumped me together with the child rapists and internet creeps just the same.  As I was already out of the closet as a pedo, I was an easy target, becoming one of the first people they profiled on their Wikisposure page, a site devoted to outing online pedos whether they’d broken any laws or not.  It has since changed hands but still exists online, buried in a dark corner of the internet, and yep, I’m still on it.  Not that I much care anymore.  Perverted Justice had their day, but they eventually burned their own house down.  Back when they were in full effect, however, they managed to make my already miserable existence that much more miserable. After their expose came out, I was fired from my job at Lowe’s.

Well, let’s be honest Todd…you were one of the internet creeps. And we really only have your word that you’re not a child rapist. I mean, in Part 1 I showed the massive hole in your “don’t use child porn” claim. I’m sure you wouldn’t consider it rape, but an act of love. But hey, for now, we’ll take you at your word.

Also, I love how Todd is basically saying John Walsh and those like him are pedophobes. Now, I can’t say I’m exactly a fan of Walsh myself, but I fully understand what drives him to hunt pedos and I have to respect his devotion even if I don’t care for his personality. Then again, maybe I’d like him more if he pulled a Punisher rather than always preaching.

Also, I’m pretty sure that “Too Catch a Predator” and groups like Perverted Justice have actually done a fair bit of good in the world. I mean, they have stopped Child Molesters. Lots of them. But apparently that makes them the bad guys here. So remember, if you think stopping child molesters is good, you’re a bigot and a pedophobe.

Also, not sure why Todd is surprised that he was fired from his job. Honestly, I’m a bit surprised he still has any job. Fairly or unfairly, he is in a sexual identity known for its raping children. Frankly the only person I think people would be more worried having about than that is a Muslim guy in an ISIS t-shirt who’se every other sentence was “death to America, allah ackbar.” And I’m not even sure about that, because at least terrorist boy could only kill you, not leave you with a life time’s worth of rape trauma because he though your 7 year old ass needed to be tapped like a kegger.

Frankly, I don’t blame Lowe’s for firing him. Really, what else were they going to do?

But things are getting better.  Slowly.  These days I struggle with bitterness and apathy; it’s a constant uphill battle, and there are days I just don’t feel like making that climb.  I eke out a living (barely) on a freelance graphic design business, in a small town where too many people know who and what I am.  Now I have a bachelor’s degree in journalism that I’ve never used and I’m living well below the poverty line, existing on food stamps and the couple hundred dollars I manage to scrape together every month, sometimes augmented with financial help from my parents if the bills get too high.  I tried filing for disability over my arm and my emotional issues, but that was a no-go in my conservative Southern state.  This is what a law-abiding pedophile has been reduced to in this society.  At times I’ve wondered why I’ve even bothered to stay legal.  Maybe prison would be better, even at the risk of getting shanked as a Short Eyes.  At least then it would all be over with.  But alas, I could never hurt a child.  No matter what, some small part of me still holds out hope that things will go back to normal, or as close to normal as a celibate pedophile with little prospect of a future can get.  Besides, like I said earlier, I just couldn’t allow myself to foist this abomination onto another human being.  So I simply endured. Until …  

Look, right now I don’t want to be the person laughing at another’s pain. But I’m on my third post for this article and frankly, I cannot afford enough beer to deal with this shit. Because, hey, I’m in the same poverty boat this guy is (except I didn’t get food stamps). I can understand health issues. His life is pretty shit there. But mine isn’t any better. So to claim that his life is that bad because he’s a pedo and that society is unfair to him over something he can’t help…

BUUULLLLLLSSHHHHIIITTTT!

Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.

Todd’s emotional issues he want’s money for is that he wants to fuck children. And society is unfair because it will not give him the money to deal with this issue. Society, not Todd, is the problem here.

And I know that you’re not supposed to tell people to kill themselves, but if Todd is half the monster he claims to feel, if he is really the threat he sometimes feels himself to be…maybe that would be the responsible thing. “I would never hurt a child” is one booze induced night of depression from being broken from the sounds of it here.

VirPed!:

I was still caught up in the same nonsense at the pro-contacter forum last year when Ethan Edwards started posting at the forum.  Actually he’d been there for a while.  I didn’t take much notice of him at first, but when I realized he was the constant target of the pro-contacters’ attacks, I sympathized with him and began to pay closer attention to his posts, realizing that he was an anti-contacter like me.  He was there to win over people who were either on the fence about the contact issue or didn’t agree with the pro-contacters’ position but had nowhere else to go to talk about their sexuality.  Until now.  Ethan and his friend Nick Devin founded Virtuous Pedophiles on the notion that pedos needed an alternative to those other forums, a place where they can feel comfortable and get the support they need without the pressure to support sketchy views about adult-child sex.          

I swear, everytime this part has come up I have sworn that. And I’m a Pagan. Actually, hang on. Not done.

 

Okay, gonna try and calm down. There’s a reason I write this instead of make videos. Seriously though.

Virtuous Pedophiles!

I know I’m trying to remain objective here, or at least partially rational, but what the serious fucking shit is this kind of bullshitery is going on here! This makes as much logical sense as a group called Virtuous Carnivores, Lions who don’t eat meat!

I mean, sure, yay, they’re trying to keep people from contacting and molesting children, but that’s still kind of like a guy claiming his a morally upstanding citizen because he only thinks about fucking a donkey, but he’s never never actually gone ass to mouth. And look, I’m not really one for judging, I’ve got some kinky tastes too, but I never claimed I was some virtuous person because I hadn’t actually done some of them. Hel, I don’t even really clam to be much of a virtuous person. A lawful and honorable one, sure, but even I accept my faults and don’t claim to be a paragon of morality.

Todd, you want to fuck kids. There is never going to be anything virtuous about it, even if you never give in.

I really can’t praise this organization enough.  It’s been a lifesaver for me.  I still get depressed and anxious sometimes, but I’m improving.  I feel better about myself and a little more hopeful about my future these days.  I have other pedophiles in my life that I’m actually proud to call friends, people I would trust my children with if I had any, knowing they’d be safe there.  Many, like Ethan, have raised families of their own, or are still doing so.  A large number of them are quite young.  Despite the prevailing stereotype of the dirty old man, the average age of posters at VP hovers around mid-twenties.  I’m so glad that younger folks are flocking to Virtuous Pedophiles, where they can get the coaching and support that was not available to us older pedos at their age.  It’ll make all the difference as they settle into themselves and learn to accept who they are.   

“Friends with pedoes I would even trust my children with.”

Okay. Trying to be objective here and…Todd’s and idiot. I hate to say it, but he’s an idiot. Now I get that yes, pedophilia is the sexual love of children, not the act, but this is like saying “i’m friends with kleptomaniacs I would trust with my valuables.” Someone, somewhere, is going to slip. Because, and this is just me, but if a Catholic Priest who knows exactly what kind of damnation he’s going to get for playing with the altar boy still slips, I do not have much hope for the willpower of someone who is only holding off because of a website support group.

Too err is human and inevitable. I deal with my own dark desires daily (thankfully, not pedophilia) and I know that one day, I will probably slip, just like Todd will. And people will likely get hurt. Might even end up on the news.

VirPed itself has become the go-to place for support for non-offending pedophiles and has been mentioned and endorsed everywhere from NPR, Salon and the Atlantic to the New York Times and Toronto Star.  As its popularity increases, so too does its effectiveness.  There are still holdouts, people who believe that pedophilic feelings should be crammed down into the most subterranean recesses of ourselves, never to be discussed in the open, but these folks are going the way of the dodo bird.  Anyway, we’ve tried that.  Take it from someone who has firsthand experience: it not only doesn’t work, it tends to make things far worse.  Please repeat this mantra to yourself: a repressed, unhappy pedophile is a pedophile at risk.  

“Islam is a religion of peace, behead those who say otherwise.” Really, Todd, you’re going to go with that level of logic. You’re asking society to accept the pedophiles into their midst, or else the pedophiles will rape their children.

I…can’t…even. Okay, I have officially lost my objectivity here. Failed, gone, out the window. Sorry everyone, I was trying to be rational about this, but we have officially hit the Full Retard level of justifications here.

Those individuals who have the courage to come forward and lay claim to this affliction with the understanding that they only want to use their pedo powers for good should be commended, not hated and feared.  You can’t imagine how difficult it is to tell people you’re a pedophile, even a non-offending one, and even if those people are other pedos.  Truly, the very concept of a pedophile who neither molests nor wants to molest children is often anathema to people’s way of thinking.  The long-held belief that pedophiles are destined to abuse kids is a tough one to overcome, yet many of us get just as upset as—if not more upset than—non-pedophiles when we read accounts of sexual abuse, not only because we hate when one of the little people we love most suffers, but also because, whenever yet another pedophile is arrested, it reinforces the reigning paradigm of the pedo as ticking time bomb.

Pedo powers for good.

PEDO POWERS FOR GOOD!

PEDO POWERS FOR GOOD!!

PEDO POWERS FOR GOOD!!!

PEDO POWERS FOR GOOD!!!!

I’m sorry…WHAT!!! Do you think you’re some kind of X-Man here Todd? Fighting to defend a world that hates and fears you? The only pedo power a pedo has is being sexually attracted to children! And I’m sorry, but even my hyperviolent mind which can come up with some crazy ways to do superpower stuff cannot come up with a way in which being sexually attracted to children can save the day here! I’m sorry, but there never was and never should be a “Meanwhile, in the Hall of Justice, Batman is saving the world by boinking Robin in the Birdhole!”

And you can “White Knight” it all you like, with all the “children I hath defended upon the interwebs” and the “we hate child molesters more because they give us a bad name and hurt the little ones we love,” (gods that’s creepy as a sentence), but fuck, no. I suspect you’re more pissed at them because they got what you’re denied than anything else. Like a castrated man watching his wife fuck someone else.

For better or worse—mostly worse—we have this sexuality, and unlike with most sexualities, there is no ethical way we can fully actualize our sexual longings.  Our desires and feelings, if we are to remain upright, are doomed from the outset.  Indeed, whereas the majority of crimes can be bounced back from, society doesn’t extend a mulligan to molesters.  I understand why, but that doesn’t make the burden any lighter to bear, particularly for those of us who have minimal or no attraction to adults.  And for the pedos who are lucky enough to be able to form working relationships with adults, there are a new set of concerns: What if we have children?  Will I be a threat to them?  Can I ever share this fact with my spouse?  Can I ever love and want her as much as I do a child?  

So, please, be understanding and supportive.  It’s really all we ask of you.  Treat us like people with a massive handicap we must overcome, not as a monster.  If we are going to make it in the world without offending, we need your help.  Listening to me was a start.

Oh, there’s an ethical way to do it. Change the ethics of the country around you. Which, frankly, it sounds like you’re trying to start.

And too answer your questions, in order: Please don’t. Yes. Not if you want to live. Probably not.

And you know what, Yes, this was a start. A start of a long period of self serving logic and whining please for pity, because you’re not evil for wanting to fuck children. Can I understand you for having sexual desires society doesn’t approve of? Yes. Yes I can. Can I be supportive of you as a person with those desires…

No.

Because even by the oldest of laws, a human being’s age of maturity was 12. Because if I supported you, I would have to admit that you can’t help who you are. I would have to admit that every pedophile and child molester cannot help who they are, that they have no choice in their being or existence. Ultimately, this would mean that understanding and supporting you, I would have to come to accept you, and this would mean that you eventually, or someone like you, could, would, and might even succeed in making the case for why you should be able to practice your desires upon the “little ones you love.”

And because, ultimately, I suspect you would not understand or support my own desire to kill you with fire. Copious amounts of fire. And dedicating your soul to Hela to be fed to the dread beast Nidhoggr. While blasting “Welcome to the Jungle” at max volume on every speaker I can get my hands on. Which is a desire society also frowns upon. I guess neither of us is going to be satisfied.

 

Then again, based on his next article, perhaps society actually would support and understand my desires…